move over angelina!

The Last Legion, a movie about the fall of the Roman Empire will be released in U.S. theaters in about a months time. It will be starring Ben Kingsley, Colin Firth, and Aishwarya Rai. Yes, this will be her first appearance in a major Hollywood movie and yes this post is somewhat about her (you were expecting Kingsley?). Believe me, even I am surprised that this is the second post I’ve written with mention to the Bollywood actress in the last three months, but we are definitely on the verge of witnessing two worlds collide.

You might be thinking “HEY! What about American-born Indian actor Kal Penn in Van Wilder, Harold and Kumar, and in Superman Returns??” One, Penn was never in Bollywood, so its not really two worlds colliding. And two, although I give mad props to people like Penn who work to break the stereotype mold in popular American media, no one really gives a crap about an Indian dude breaking into Hollywood. No one okay? So does anyone give a crap about an Indian chick breaking into Hollywood? This Indian chick? Yes.

Because Aishwarya Rai matches up perfectly against Angelina Jolie.

To name a few: one is a Goodwill ambassador for the United Nations. The other is ambassador for L’Oreal. Aishwarya Rai turned down the role of Helen in the 2004 movie Troy. Would have been interesting to watch side Angelina Jolie’s role as Olympias in the movie Alexander the same year. Brad + Angelina = “Brangelina”. Abhishek + Aishwarya = “Abhiwarya?” “Aishishek?” Aishwarya is quoted saying, “I have never done a kissing scene nor do I have intentions to.” Angelina will GET IT ON. Both are humanitarians. Both at some point or the other have been named “the sexiest woman in the world” or are in the top rankings.

But I say that Aishwarya will topple Angelina on American soil. For one, anything not “American” is interesting to Americans simply for that reason alone. Its exotic. Adventurous. Indian food. Cambodian food. Senegalese cuisine. Indian girls. Exotic. Adventurous, so goes the presumed logic *rolls eyes*. Second, there are political implications. When President George W. Bush visited India in March 2006, he invited Aishwarya, along with Aamir Khan, to a luncheon. Aishwarya could not attend because she was in Brazil at the time filming for Dhoom 2. When Manmohan Singh comes to America does he have lunch with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp? Umm…no. Future of America-India relationship into the 21st century? We outsource our dorky, cube-monkey workforce to India, and India exports to us their hot babes. Very nice! Third, response to American values. Remember when Britney Spears shifted her self-marketing from innocent to provocative? This made it easier for the like of Jessica Simpson to knock her off. Simpson had that homely appeal, you could bring her home to mom, she will bake cookies. Britney lost that. Is “bad-girlness” getting played out? Yes. I say it is the American apple pie, or in this case the gulab jamun, that will win over hearts. But in the case of Angelina, her “bad-girlness” gets canceled out by her humanitarian work. Aishwarya may need to step up her game in this regard.

I should have named this post “Move over Pac and Biggie” This is the NEW East-West rivalry. So can Rai take on Jolie?

my big fat bollywood wedding

Two of the biggest stars in Bollywood right now were wed two weekends ago. Abhishek Bachchan, son on film ultra-megastar Amitabh Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai, the former 1994 Miss World finally tied the knot after being engaged since January. The festivities lasted three days and were celebrated with much fanfare in India. Below is my letter to Mr. Yash Chopra, one of the most highly acclaimed directors/producers in Bollywood, sharing an idea for his next potential blockbuster.

Dear Mr. Yash Chopra,

I am a big fan of your movies, I especially liked your direction in Waqt and production work for Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and Mohabbatein. Dhoom 2, however, was absolutely terrible. You should have had nothing to do with that movie. But Im sure you’ve been getting praise and criticisms for your work your entire life, so I’m not going to bore you with that. I wanted to actually share with you an idea I had for a movie. I thought of it in light of the big wedding between Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai. You were probably there. Im pretty sure my invitation got lost in the mail, otherwise I would have seen you there. I heard it was fun!

We should make a movie that highlights some major social issues of South-Asian culture/society. I mean, why leave it to Mira Nair to hog all the credit for making socially conscious films? As a basic premise, we could make a pseudo-biography loosely based on Abhishek Bachchan’s life. It would be about him growing up in the shadow of his father, Amitabh who is probably one of the most recognized movie stars in the world. We could spin it so that he was pressured to follow in the footsteps of his father rather than pursue his true passions in business. As a South-Asian parent, I’m sure you know all about parental pressure influence. Both of your sons are in the movie industry, the younger one, well, lets just say I don’t really understand how he got there. But thats just between you and me and 2 billion other people who share my opinion.

Anyways, we cut to his wedding with Aishwarya Rai. This will take up about 3.5 out of the 4 hours. Most of the movie will revolve around that because there is a lot to work with here. As you know, Abhishek’s and Aishwarya’s astrological signs did not match up. She is a manglik, so in order to ward of the evil spirits that could potentially swamp their marriage, she had to marry a tree. Two things can be addressed here. One, women are still being forced to marry who they don’t want. It is degrading for her to even ceremonially marry a tree. Two, the tree feels used. What if the tree falls in love with her? If I was a tree, I would. So lets make it that the tree DOES fall in love with her. But this could be a metaphor for man’s total disregard for nature. Nature does so much for us, but we just use and abuse her for what we need, and then toss it and totally show no respect for it.

To appease Bollywood fans everywhere we must stick to the formula: we now have a love triangle between Abhishek, Aishwarya, and the tree. We could technically have a love square, with the girl who tried to commit suicide outside of the marriage procession. And to make it even more appealing to Bollywood fans, we will need a fight scene. DISHOOM! in which case we will employ Mike Tyson. You’ve heard he’s entering Bollywood right? It might be cool for us to work with him, don’t believe the bad press. This brings me to the last bit of this letter: casting.

MY BIG FAT BOLLYWOOD WEDDING
starring:

Amitabh Bachchan played by himself
Jaya Bachchan played by herself
Aishwarya Rai played by herself
Abhishek Bachchan played by Naveed Ahmad (thats me)
Tree played by Treebeard from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
and
Mike Tyson played by himself

(Please find attached my acting resume along with my headshot photograph. You will be quite impressed to see that I was amazing as a star-belly sneetch in our second grade elementary school adaptation of Dr. Seuss’ classic: The Sneetches. I also performed a larger-than-life interpretation of a dead teenager in a skit for a youth conference when I was in college.)

I have a lot more ideas; I just wanted to give you a sample of what is possible. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and just send me a letter when you get a chance and we can talk more about crafting a plot and choreographing some dance sequences to A.R. Rahman’s music.

Sincerely,

Naveed Ahmad

improv theatre: life lessons

There are a couple of things that come to mind when we hear of improv theatre. We obviously think of unscripted acting. Sometimes we think of people being totally goofy. We also unfortunately think of the TV show “Who’s Line is it anyway?”

Upon the recommendation of a friend, I joined an improv class back in November of 2006 and the following is what I took back. It might sound like a self-help audio tape, but please, bear with me, there is a point to this.

1. Improv is about creating a meaningful scene out of nothing. To do so takes positive energy and initiative. Such is life?

When you think about it, our lives are one big improv act. Not movies. There are no scripts, no rehearsals, no retakes, no editing. Just jump in and go. It just happens to be that when we are put in a position to intentionally create something out of nothing, our minds go blank. So how do you create a scene? From Wikipedia:

In order for an improvised scene to be successful, the actors involved must work together responsively to define the parameters and action of the scene, in a process of co-creation. With each spoken word or action in the scene, an actor makes an offer, meaning that he or she defines some element of the reality of the scene. This might include giving another character a name, identifying a relationship, location, or using mime to define the physical environment. These activities are also known as endowment. It is the responsibility of the other actors to accept the offers that their fellow performers make; to not do so is known as blocking, which usually prevents the scene from developing. Some performers may deliberately block (or otherwise break out of character) for comedic effect — this is known as gagging — but this generally prevents the scene from advancing and is frowned upon by many improvisers. Accepting an offer is usually accompanied by adding a new offer, often building on the earlier one; this is a process improvisers refer to as “Yes, And…” and is considered the cornerstone of improvisational technique. (improvisational theatre)

Lets say you are having a get-together at your house. Don’t you want to plan a party with people who will positively contribute to its success? “Yes and I will be in charge of the decorations. Yes and I will order the pizzas. Yes and I will be the DJ!” Thats how you throw a party. Not with negative energy folks who nit-pick at everything that could go possibly go awry. So it is important to be responsive and open to suggestions. Give your partner something to work with.

2. There is a strong emphasis to not only make your teammates look good, but better than you. Be humble and supportive.

A common misconception of improv acting is that you have to be naturally funny to participate. Not true. Its not about showing-off that you are funnier than your teammates, but that you are the most cooperative and accommodating to creating a scene. As a result, improv really conditions the mind to be natural and to be yourself. Its better to be obvious with your statements just like you would in a regular conversation. Giving your partner something to work with builds layer upon layer for a complete scene. Consider the two scenarios:

Mother: “Did you finish up all of your homework Milton?”
Son: fidgeting, eyes looking around nervously “Sure did mom.”
Mother: “Hmmm. Milton I got a call from your teacher Ms. Swansberg this afternoon and she said that you haven’t been in school for the past three days. Can you explain yourself young man?”

versus

Mother: “Did you finish up all of your homework Milton?”
Son: “Homework? There’s no time for homework! THERES AN ARMY OF MUTANT ZOMBIE PLATYPUS INVADING US FROM OUTER SPACE! RUN! RUN FOR YOU LIVES AHHHHHHHH!”

You could continue the scene, but its less obvious where to take it. No scene can be created by one character trying to be the stand-out actor/actress, so it is important that partners listen to each other, pay attention to body language, tone of voice, and be sensitive to emotional response. Just like you would work out problems with people in real life, all the above are important skills to do so. It is also a huge test of humility and self-restraint to not steal the show away from your teammates even if one thinks that his/her teammates are awful. (I’m speaking generally) You have to work together and take credit collectively.

3. It is so much fun! Balance is important.

Unraveling the mind and escaping from the norm of everyday life and being around people who want to just let loose and be totally nuts is very refreshing. I didn’t realize how rigid my mind had become until I took the class. The day-to-day drudgery of working life can become routine quickly, and that routine becomes a whirlpool really quickly if there is no break in the current. Just like any muscle in the human body, the mind has to be challenged and sharped regularly. Improv is a great exercise to stretch that creative muscle!

One of the last scenes I did in the class was with myself and two other people playing the role of 18th century Victorian women having tea. (I didn’t know this before but apparently I can be a very convincing 18th century Victorian woman.)

Partner 1: “Oh Gertrude! I am so exhausted after all the croquet!”
Me: “As am I! Goodness! So Jane, did you enjoy the croquet this afternoon?”
Partner 2: “Uhhh yes the croquet was delicious when you dunk it in the tea!”
Me and Partner 1 start laughing. Like 18th century Victorian women of course; we had to stay in character. Wrist slaps and everything.
Me: without thinking “Oh Jane dear, you are a riot! Its no wonder you are popular with the boys at the polo club. Yes, in fact the croquet WAS delicious! snickering to Partner 1 Although I prefer mine with a lemon squeeze.”
Partner 1: “Jane, some kidney pie? Poor thing, you’re so thin! Doesn’t Gertrude feed you?”
Me: “Perhaps she would like some more….croquet!” More laughing but now converted into a pompous and arrogant giggle

So instead of pointing out that Partner 2 made a mistake, I just went along with it, and we begin to see something new about the personality of characters Partner 1 and myself; that they are arrogant jerks. And Partner 2 might be an innocent, charming, Cinderella-eqsue girl. We had to be sensitive to what was going on to build on the scene further in order to pull it off. Then it looks like we were all in on the blunder (that croquet is not crumpets although it is amongst the Dutch) on purpose! So we all looked good. Nothing in the scene was historically accurate, (Croquet did not come until the 20th century) but we committed to it and stuck with it. Was definitely more fun this way.

I know this probably sounded like a very convincing advertisement to go join an improv class. Join one if you like, I just think that a lot of times we participate in activities and we only pay attention to the activity itself rather than their benefits for us. I could have said, “Yeah I took an improv class and I learned the following acting techniques.” I personally have no aspirations of becoming an actor, so naturally I went deeper to only discover what value I could extract from it. Indeed there is truth to be found in the most obscure places.