how dogs think

I’m a dog, and because you humans are less rational beasts than I, you’re telling yourselves, “Dogs don’t talk.” Nevertheless, you seem to believe a story in which corpses speak and characters use words they couldn’t possibly know. Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen…Of course, it is common knowledge that hajis, hojas, clerics, and preachers despise us dogs. In my opinion, the whole matter concerns our revered Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, who cut off a piece of his robe upon which a cat lay sleeping rather than wake the beast. By pointing out this affection shown to the cat, which has incidentally been denied to us dogs, and due to our eternal feud with this feline beast, which even the stupidest of men recognizes as an ingrate, people have tried to intimate that the Prophet himself disliked dogs. They’re convinced that we’ll defile those who have performed ritual ablutions, and the rest of this erroneous and slanderous belief is that we’ve been barred from mosques for centuries and have suffered beatings in their courtyards from broomstick-wielding caretakers.

Allow me to remind you of “The Cave,” the most beautiful of the Koran’s chapters. I’m reminding you not because I suspect there may be those who never read the Koran among us in this good coffeehouse, but because I want to refresh your memories: This chapter recounts the story of the seven youths who grow tired of living among pagans and take refuge in a cave where they enter a deep sleep. Allah then seals their ears and causes them to doze off for exactly three hundred and nine years. When they awake, they learn just how many years have passed only after one of them enters the society of men and tries to spend an outdated silver coin. All of them are stunned to learn what has happened. This chapter subtly describes man’s attachment to Allah, His miracles, the transitory nature of time and the pleasure of deep sleep, and though it’s not my place, allow me to remind you of the eighteenth verse, which makes mention of a dog resting at the mouth of this cave where the seven youths have fallen asleep. Obviously, anyone would be proud to appear in the Koran. As a dog, I take pride in this chapter, and through it I intend to bring the Erzurumis, who refer to their enemies as dirty mongrels, to their senses.

So then, what’s the actual reason for this animosity toward dogs? Why do you persist in saying that dogs are impure, and cleaning and purifying your homes from top to bottom if a dog happens to enter? Why do you believe that those who touch us spoil their ablutions? If your caftan brushes against our damp fur, why do insist on washing that caftan seven times like a frenzied woman? Only tinsmiths could be responsible for the slander that a pot licked by a dog must be thrown away or retinned. Or perhaps, yes, cats…

When people left their villages for the sedentary life of the city, shepherd dogs remained in the provinces; that’s when rumors of the filthiness of dogs like me began the spread. Yet before the advent of Islam, two of the twelve months of the year were “months of the dog.” Now, however, a dog is considered a bad omen. I don’t want to burden you with my own problems, my dear friends who have come to hear a story and ponder its moral– to be honest, my anger arises out of the esteemed cleric’s attacks upon our coffeehouses……

–excerpt from My Name is Red by Orhan Pamuk

harry potter insanity

The world of information can be a scary place. The 7th and final Harry Potter book comes out at 12:01AM tonight, and afterwards there is too much vulnerability out there with potential leaks to the story; too many assholes who will make it a top project to blow the ending of the most anticipated conclusion of a series in our time. I will not be getting my copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows from the usual Borders and Barnes & Noble or Amazon like everyone else, but I have the top reserve to a copy at 12:01AM tonight at an undisclosed and unusual source.

I will not log onto Facebook, not log on to this blog, hell I wont even turn the computer on, to save myself from AIM messages, profiles, email notifications. I will turn my cell phone off, I will not answer any calls, texts, voice messages. I wont turn the TV on. Not even Kung Fu HD. I wont turn on the radio in my car. Why, I wont even leave my house, in fear of seeing man-made signs hung from freeway overpasses, or streakers carrying signs revealing the ending. The world of information can be a scary place.

move over angelina!

The Last Legion, a movie about the fall of the Roman Empire will be released in U.S. theaters in about a months time. It will be starring Ben Kingsley, Colin Firth, and Aishwarya Rai. Yes, this will be her first appearance in a major Hollywood movie and yes this post is somewhat about her (you were expecting Kingsley?). Believe me, even I am surprised that this is the second post I’ve written with mention to the Bollywood actress in the last three months, but we are definitely on the verge of witnessing two worlds collide.

You might be thinking “HEY! What about American-born Indian actor Kal Penn in Van Wilder, Harold and Kumar, and in Superman Returns??” One, Penn was never in Bollywood, so its not really two worlds colliding. And two, although I give mad props to people like Penn who work to break the stereotype mold in popular American media, no one really gives a crap about an Indian dude breaking into Hollywood. No one okay? So does anyone give a crap about an Indian chick breaking into Hollywood? This Indian chick? Yes.

Because Aishwarya Rai matches up perfectly against Angelina Jolie.

To name a few: one is a Goodwill ambassador for the United Nations. The other is ambassador for L’Oreal. Aishwarya Rai turned down the role of Helen in the 2004 movie Troy. Would have been interesting to watch side Angelina Jolie’s role as Olympias in the movie Alexander the same year. Brad + Angelina = “Brangelina”. Abhishek + Aishwarya = “Abhiwarya?” “Aishishek?” Aishwarya is quoted saying, “I have never done a kissing scene nor do I have intentions to.” Angelina will GET IT ON. Both are humanitarians. Both at some point or the other have been named “the sexiest woman in the world” or are in the top rankings.

But I say that Aishwarya will topple Angelina on American soil. For one, anything not “American” is interesting to Americans simply for that reason alone. Its exotic. Adventurous. Indian food. Cambodian food. Senegalese cuisine. Indian girls. Exotic. Adventurous, so goes the presumed logic *rolls eyes*. Second, there are political implications. When President George W. Bush visited India in March 2006, he invited Aishwarya, along with Aamir Khan, to a luncheon. Aishwarya could not attend because she was in Brazil at the time filming for Dhoom 2. When Manmohan Singh comes to America does he have lunch with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp? Umm…no. Future of America-India relationship into the 21st century? We outsource our dorky, cube-monkey workforce to India, and India exports to us their hot babes. Very nice! Third, response to American values. Remember when Britney Spears shifted her self-marketing from innocent to provocative? This made it easier for the like of Jessica Simpson to knock her off. Simpson had that homely appeal, you could bring her home to mom, she will bake cookies. Britney lost that. Is “bad-girlness” getting played out? Yes. I say it is the American apple pie, or in this case the gulab jamun, that will win over hearts. But in the case of Angelina, her “bad-girlness” gets canceled out by her humanitarian work. Aishwarya may need to step up her game in this regard.

I should have named this post “Move over Pac and Biggie” This is the NEW East-West rivalry. So can Rai take on Jolie?

waiting on the world to change

John Mayer is tight.

sports and politics (part 1)

Since my kid brother lives and breathes tennis, I by default have been kept abreast on all tennis related news. Wimbledon, considered the most prestigious tournament of the four Grand Slam tournaments started this week with the first round well under way. I am proud of the fact that Pakistan’s very own Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi became the first of his country in over 31 years who is playing at a Grand Slam tournament. He won his first Grand Slam match at Wimbledon against Lee Childs, thereby advancing him to the second round.

Here’s what you probably did not know. Qureshi has played in Wimbledon before but in the doubles bracket. In 2002, he teamed up with Amir Hadad of Israel and together they advanced to the third round. Both players got heat from their respective countries for playing with the other. From the BBC Sport article posted June 29th 2002:

“Although he is playing in his private capacity, we officially condemn his playing with an Israeli player and an explanation has been sought from him,” said Pakistan Sports director Brigadier Saulat Abbas. “Since Pakistan has no links with Israel, Qureshi may face a ban.”

What does politics have to do with sports anyway? Does an international sports team in essence represent the nation’s values and policies? Should it?

Recall in the 2004 Olympic games, where Iran’s Arash Miresmaeili basically forfeited his first round judo match against Israel’s Ehud Vaks. Miresmaeili, the dual world champion and gold medal favorite said, “Although I have trained for months and am in shape I refused to face my Israeli rival in sympathy with the oppressed Palestinian people … I am not upset about the decision I have made.”

I wonder how much of that was political pressure and how much was personal choice?

Iranian Olympic delegation chairman, Nassrollah Sajadi, said Miresmaeili should receive a $115,000 reward for withdrawing from the match against Vaks: “I hope Iran’s sporting officials agree to give him the reward which he deserves because he could easily have won a medal,” he told Sharq newspaper.

Reward? Isn’t feeling good about standing in solidarity with an oppressed people good enough of a reward? And whats this about he could have won a medal? Yes he COULD have won a medal if he competed. Dumb dumb head.

I don’t know how much attention such stinks like this actually brings to the real graveness of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict or any other political issue at hand. Lets say we have two kinds of people. One group that think that athletics should be consistent with political policy and the other group that think that the two are mutually exclusive. The people who think that political issues should not govern international sport will think that the move by Iran was stupid; thereby voiding the effectiveness of the forfeit. So that group is out. The group that feels that sports teams must serve as ambassadors to the nations must wonder what kind of diplomacy Iran is running here. I guarantee you dear reader, that if a Palestinian wrestler or soccer team were matched up against Israel in the international arena, there would be no BS like “I am protesting to match up against you because you oppress my people.” These other governments need to get over themselves.

why hate speech is bad

Follow this line of reasoning:

People are different. A combination of one’s ethnic background, gender, age, religion, citizenship, economic class, and/or educational level will create a new innate outlook and perception. The more combinations there are, the more diverse the society is. Thus, new ideas spawn from these combinations. What is the purpose of free speech? Why have it? To encourage growth and progression in a society by allowing the flourishing of new ideas to be communicated.

Hate speech is a product of a great disliking for someone or a group of individuals. Any ad hominem  attacks on any such group is an attack on the ideas they can bring to the table and the liberties they are honored. Hate speech is an appeal to the society at large; that a particular group does not belong in said society and should be removed along with their potential contributions to the marketplace of ideas. Hate speech therefore inhibits the encouragement of creative thought. If free speech and liberty are to be upheld and protected, hate speech or slanderous speech does not belong within its realm. In fact, not only is it damaging, but it impedes the advancement of society. Countless times throughout history he have combated our insensitivities, biases, and hatred towards races, religions, and sexes. Every time they resurface it should raise a flag that our society is moving backwards. Either we overcome our bigotries or surrender to them.

on world peace

Ernesto “Che” Guevara said, “Let me say at the risk of sounding ridiculous that the true revolutionary is guided by great feelings of love.” The very model for which we perceive the world has become void of instances of love but filled with rigidity and firmness. We have compartmentalized our existence and our very identities by drawing boundaries along religion, gender, ethnicity, social class, or education. We choose to be kings in our own self-created worlds, because we refuse to be servants in someone else’s. This adoption of isolationism reaffirms absolutism of ideology within self-described circles. When these “bubble worlds” collide, the clash gives birth to the very evils plaguing this planet; racism, intolerance, sexism, a false sense of pride and self-righteousness, injustice, poverty, and apathy towards animals and the environment to name a few. If it does not affect us in our isolated bubble world, it is of no concern to us. We who have been blessed with opportunity, blessed with even the most basic necessities for living have chosen to detach ourselves from a world of calamity, pain, and suffering. Nothing is connected. World peace is impossible in this mindset. But if we could break down these walls that divide us, then world peace is possible. If we can transcend the aforementioned man-made dividing factors and remind ourselves that we are all human; that what we want and love for others is what we want for ourselves, then world peace is possible. If we could extend and recreate our compassion and love for the things that matter to us on an individual level back to God, humanity, and His creation, then world peace is definitely possible. We must then all struggle to get reconnected.

confessions of a wannabe health freak

I am quite proud of myself…over the past year I have reduced my consumption of junk food and sodas down to a bare minimum. Even when the whole frito-lay thing went down, and Muslim youth everywhere were crying their eyes out, I shrugged….eh, whatever. I am still however a sucker for ice cream and extremely occasional smokes, and when Baskin-Robbins 31 had their $0.31/scoop deal I ventured off with two friends to indulge. Right next door, a cigar shop was giving away complementary hand-rolled cigars. I thought to myself, now if only they had a Victoria’s Secret store around the corner…..

A few days ago, I went over to Trader Joe’s to stock up on some snacks for work. I got whole wheat crackers. I got a bag of assorted vegetables of broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. I got Greek-style strawberry yogurt. I got assorted fruit. I got low-fat string cheese. I got 2% reduced fat organic milk. I got trail mix. Lean salmon steaks. Some pesto/sundried tomato torta dip. Cottage cheese.

On my way back to work, I looked over at the bag of groceries I set on the passenger seat. I imagined myself eating raw cauliflower. I recreated the taste of low-fat string cheese on my palate.

Screw this.

I made a U-turn and went to In-N-Out. Double-double cheeseburger with grilled onions, french fries, and a strawberry milkshake. Strawberry yogurt? Strictly for the birds!

Do I at least get intention points?

my big fat bollywood wedding

Two of the biggest stars in Bollywood right now were wed two weekends ago. Abhishek Bachchan, son on film ultra-megastar Amitabh Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai, the former 1994 Miss World finally tied the knot after being engaged since January. The festivities lasted three days and were celebrated with much fanfare in India. Below is my letter to Mr. Yash Chopra, one of the most highly acclaimed directors/producers in Bollywood, sharing an idea for his next potential blockbuster.

Dear Mr. Yash Chopra,

I am a big fan of your movies, I especially liked your direction in Waqt and production work for Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and Mohabbatein. Dhoom 2, however, was absolutely terrible. You should have had nothing to do with that movie. But Im sure you’ve been getting praise and criticisms for your work your entire life, so I’m not going to bore you with that. I wanted to actually share with you an idea I had for a movie. I thought of it in light of the big wedding between Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai. You were probably there. Im pretty sure my invitation got lost in the mail, otherwise I would have seen you there. I heard it was fun!

We should make a movie that highlights some major social issues of South-Asian culture/society. I mean, why leave it to Mira Nair to hog all the credit for making socially conscious films? As a basic premise, we could make a pseudo-biography loosely based on Abhishek Bachchan’s life. It would be about him growing up in the shadow of his father, Amitabh who is probably one of the most recognized movie stars in the world. We could spin it so that he was pressured to follow in the footsteps of his father rather than pursue his true passions in business. As a South-Asian parent, I’m sure you know all about parental pressure influence. Both of your sons are in the movie industry, the younger one, well, lets just say I don’t really understand how he got there. But thats just between you and me and 2 billion other people who share my opinion.

Anyways, we cut to his wedding with Aishwarya Rai. This will take up about 3.5 out of the 4 hours. Most of the movie will revolve around that because there is a lot to work with here. As you know, Abhishek’s and Aishwarya’s astrological signs did not match up. She is a manglik, so in order to ward of the evil spirits that could potentially swamp their marriage, she had to marry a tree. Two things can be addressed here. One, women are still being forced to marry who they don’t want. It is degrading for her to even ceremonially marry a tree. Two, the tree feels used. What if the tree falls in love with her? If I was a tree, I would. So lets make it that the tree DOES fall in love with her. But this could be a metaphor for man’s total disregard for nature. Nature does so much for us, but we just use and abuse her for what we need, and then toss it and totally show no respect for it.

To appease Bollywood fans everywhere we must stick to the formula: we now have a love triangle between Abhishek, Aishwarya, and the tree. We could technically have a love square, with the girl who tried to commit suicide outside of the marriage procession. And to make it even more appealing to Bollywood fans, we will need a fight scene. DISHOOM! in which case we will employ Mike Tyson. You’ve heard he’s entering Bollywood right? It might be cool for us to work with him, don’t believe the bad press. This brings me to the last bit of this letter: casting.

MY BIG FAT BOLLYWOOD WEDDING
starring:

Amitabh Bachchan played by himself
Jaya Bachchan played by herself
Aishwarya Rai played by herself
Abhishek Bachchan played by Naveed Ahmad (thats me)
Tree played by Treebeard from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
and
Mike Tyson played by himself

(Please find attached my acting resume along with my headshot photograph. You will be quite impressed to see that I was amazing as a star-belly sneetch in our second grade elementary school adaptation of Dr. Seuss’ classic: The Sneetches. I also performed a larger-than-life interpretation of a dead teenager in a skit for a youth conference when I was in college.)

I have a lot more ideas; I just wanted to give you a sample of what is possible. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and just send me a letter when you get a chance and we can talk more about crafting a plot and choreographing some dance sequences to A.R. Rahman’s music.

Sincerely,

Naveed Ahmad